It often feels like there are too many thoughts ping ponging around in my head at such a great speed, I am unable to pick out one from another. They blur together, almost becoming a single weightless mass of mindy nonsense.
It’s as though each one is crying out for attention with the same force and loudness as the other, yet they are unable to show any kind of distinction.
Today I started writing a post on how shitty it feels to say no, but the words weren’t coming out in the way I wanted them to, so I thought to revisit something I had written in the past and see if I could make a post out of it.
In my potential post bank, I had one called ‘blabs’. I didn’t even bother to capitalize the name of the doc, to something a little more pro like ‘Blabs’. From the preview it looked like a short post, that may be easy to wrap up and publish.
As I read the post I felt myself unable to relate to the words. The space in which I had written the words, had to be long past, so I checked the date of the original saved document. Can you guess when it was? Today. Exactly 3 years ago.
Feels like fate, so I’m going to go with it.
Sometimes it’s hard to see and measure the ways we grow and evolve as people. Day-to-day I criticize all the ways I still need to improve and grow as a person. I try not to, but as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, I hold myself to a weird and unhealthy standard and self criticism is part of my normal mind chatter. I’m working on it, but like yoga, it’s a practice and there is no final point to reach, but rather a continuous refinement.
And that’s why this post feels cosmic. While I try not to rely on my mind too much, I’m much more of a heart girl, I do need to mind to help me out day-to-day. For the past 10 years my approach has been to try to shape and mold my mind, so it’s a tool that works for and with me, as seamlessly as possible, which has been no small task.
You see, my mind can be very powerful. It’s always trying to be as loud and noisy as possible, so I’ll listen and follow it blindly, even though it definitely does not always have my best interests at heart. It can be challenging trying to sort through all the thoughts. Which ones to pay attention to, which ones to ignore. Not as easy as it sounds….or at least not for me.
But getting back to the June 2019 post, I can confidently say, I don’t feel that way anymore. I still have lots of thoughts and a noisy mind, but it doesn’t move as quickly and erratically as it once did. I don’t feel quite so victimized by it, rather it’s starting to feel more like we are working as a team.
There is absolutely a refinement that’s taken place. Thoughts move slower and there is more distinction between them because there are fewer of them. They don’t stop, because the thoughts never do, but instead of ping ponging around so quickly that I can’t even see them, they move more linearly, one after the other, like a river. A river of thoughts.
Sometimes they get stuck, like they are in an eddy in my mind. Unable to flow downstream, due some kind of obstruction in its way. That’s when they become distracting. They flow in the opposite direction, causing all kinds of disturbance. It can be quite impressive at times.
But these days it feels much easier to wade into the river and clear up whatever obstacle is causing the disturbance. I’m not afraid, as I know I can’t drown, and that makes all the difference.
Some obstacles are moved easily, effortlessly once they have a little attention placed on it, while others less so. Some feel like they take whole seasons to clear, where I must wade in everyday, and try numerous approaches to clear it out. By the way, I’m still talking about thoughts incase you’re feeling a little lost.
Anyway, the point is that there is growth, evolution and measurable refinement. I’ve been moving in the world with more peace and clarity than I even realized. There are many days where I think about what it means to be a yogi. To be on a lifelong journey of unfolding wisdom, truth and self awareness, while knowing that there is also no journey that needs to take place.
On more than one occasion, in moments of frustration, I’ve asked myself ‘‘What’s the point? Does this even matter?’. And while I know in my heart that the answer is always yes, yes this practice matters, my mind can do a pretty great job at getting me to doubt it. But this post is evidence, which is useful for someone as emotional and feeling based as me.
The inner workings of my mind looks very different than it did three years ago, and I didn’t even realize it until now. As I move into my 35th(or is it 36th?, I just turned 35 FYI) rotation around the sun, I do so with even more confidence than I had a couple of days ago.
The 2019 post paints my mind as a violent swirling ocean, where now it feels like a wadeable river….wadeable, but maybe a little glacial. I am a Himalayan living Canadian after-all.
June 26, 2022
a superfein self directed project
Welcome to The Self Reunion.
It’s my tiny virtual home on the internet, where I feel free to explore and share my findings about what it means to exist in this world…and how to live in it as gracefully as possible. Please feel free to explore, and if you feel inspired, send me a love letter…from yourself to your Self.