An imperfect launch

This site has been almost finished for months. I’ve been dragging my feet, trying to find the time to get things over the finish line. 

Anyone who knows me, knows that this is most certainly a habit of mine. I’m great at coming up with ideas and starting off strong, but often have a hard time keeping up the stamina to finish as  strongly as I start.

I hold myself to impossibly high standards, which paralyzes me more than it inspires me. What starts off in the beginning as inspiration and play, soon turns to frustration as my first try doesn’t look like I thought it would in my head. And then for some reason it embarrasses me. 

Like most, I hate looking or feeling like a fool. It’s not a nice feeling. That combined with my tendencies to be extremely self obsessed, makes it really hard to put myself out there and share my gifts. At some point, and I’m not sure when, I looked out into the world and assumed that everyone was watching me, waiting for me to fail, so they could point and laugh. 

As if I’m that important? Haha. It sounds completely absurd as I write it, but that’s the mind for you. Especially my mind. I may look and seem all chill and shanti, but I have some major drama queen tendencies. I’m pretty self aware, so usually can find a way to laugh about it, but they exist. And because of that my mind will often take a situation and observation and craft a story around it, which is much more dramatic, than what actually happened, or took place. 

So, I’ve been sitting with this mostly done site for months. If I don’t finish it, then I don’t have to share it. And if I don’t share it, then no one can see it. And if no one sees it, then no one will tell me that it’s weird or a dumb idea, even though every single person I spoke to about this project told me it’s a great idea! Phew, just had to get that out. 

I will spend the rest of my life, fighting against my own ignorance that wants to make me feel small. The ignorance that tells me if I can’t be perfect on a first try, then I might as well not even show up. 

Where is the fun in an existence like that? Life and the waking state is messy. That’s what makes it interesting. It’s unpredictable and full of surprises. There is both a lesson and delight in every moment that unfolds. And it waits for us to notice and to appreciate. To love it as it is, without any expectation that it needs to be anything other than what it is. What freedom!

As I write this post, I write it from a place of imperfection. The website isn’t fully finished, but it’s live. This post is rough and imperfect, but I’m going to post it anyway. I’m starting to see and believe that there is no need to wait until something looks its best, in order to let it exist. 

If I keep waiting for the perfect moment to launch this site and start filling it up, it will never come. Better to embrace it, in its imperfect state, so I can start playing and see what happens. After-all, my favourite creations are those that seemed to appear out of thin air, without any effort or help from my mind.